Guest Writer's Article 4: Julies Kitchen Nightmare Stories

This weeks blog is not about a delicious and delectable chocolate recipe or a what to do with a certain vegetable, maybe this is more of a what NOT to do in a kitkchen. We all have had our moments when things in the kitchen goes completely "Waterloo". Even the best chefts and cooks has had really bad days. Today's guest writer is a dear friend of mine, which I love and adore tremedously, but we all know that Julie and the kitchen is like water and electricity.

Suprisingly she can make the most amazing lasangne, soups and stews. I myself even have a few horror stories to share. She decided to share some of her hair raising kitchen/cooking experience. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

So here goes - Julies Kitchen Nightmare Stories:

"There are several reasons why I enjoy visiting “Abby's Cooking Kitchen” site. For one, I am able to see images of gorgeous dishes that were prepared in a home kitchen (the images inevitably gets my tummy growling ). To read Abby’s magical enthusiasm about the dishes she prepares and it is the manner in which Abby shares her treasures that is not just interesting, but intriguing... It is like reading a revealed and deciphered treasure map.... I imagine that it could probably inspire even the most timid in the kitchen to experiment and add a bit of ‘Pizzazz’ to tackling any recipe - whether simple or seemingly complicated - with similar enthusiasm and with flare that Abby depicts! Also, I am among the very privileged to have witnessed Abby at work in her kitchen and then to have tasted some mouth-wateringly yummy dishes created by the Amazing Abby!

I am thus very fortunate and I should therefore be encouraged to don an apron and to wear a huge confident smile, while effortlessly coaxing some everyday food ingredients into harmoniously working together to create a masterpiece of yumminess!

Yet, although I have notably improved and gained confidence in the kitchen, I need more help and I have a long way to go.

Why? Well, it’s because of the assortment of ‘kitchen horrors’ that I’ve put myself and others through.

I have very few memories of cooking experimentation during my school years (mostly because then I thought I had better things to do and imagined that cooking was boring). But, I do also remember being told that I should only experiment in my own home one day and was basically not allowed to cook. Permitted and asked only to do elementary things like stir the gravy or peel the veggies or make the salad, but no cooking or baking (although I had sneakily tried making scones which were surprisingly edible). YET... there was the incident with the PRESSURE COOKER.

I was alone at home and had heard the other grade 8s chat about making caramel from a tin of condensed milk by boiling it in water for ages... So, in a moment where tummy and tastebuds took over reason... I entered the pantry found a tin of condensed milk and decided to experiment! I would have to exercise patience... not really one of my things.. BUT then a thought entered my mind as I had SEEN my Mom use her beloved Pressure cooker and realized that this highly esteemed pot would minimize ‘waiting time’ for yummy caramel... I mean (to quote Jeremy Clarkson)... ’How hard could it be?’ I don’t remember how I conducted the experiment, only how it ended... It ended badly.

I almost forgot about the caramel in progress, but was reminded of it when I heard a loud hissing noise over the sound of my loud music playing... When I got to the ‘dancing’ pressurized pot on the stove.. I was worried and grabbed at the handle and pull it off the plate.... Then something interesting happened.. An explosive sound emanated from the pot and I instinctively ducked (with arms over head) and watched as the lid of the pressure cooker ‘blew’ off travelling high and yet in the general direction in which I had grabbed the handle. It flew and spun like a flying saucer. I was fortunate that the kitchen was rather large even accommodating a large kitchen table with six chairs and it had a rather high ceiling too. Yet this lid travelling at quite a speed and its projected course was aimed toward the sacred dining room area!

The lid – or actually the handle of the lid hit - the doorway arch and whipped off the pot and its trajectory changed immediately and was heading in my direction while the lid spun in the air and landed harshly into the soft carpeted area just in front of the dining table. The handle dinged the kitchen ceiling and came to an eventual rest in the washing up sink. That incident went ‘almost smoothly’ but then the contents of the pot blew skyward and the hot condensed milk tin was flung out of the pressure cooker to hit the ceiling and burst open to cover ceiling, stove, me and parts of the floor with sticky gooey half caramelized stuff.

The mess was a mission to clean (and the dings in the ceiling and archway were testimony that I had been there... not to mention the pressure cooker lid without the handle... funny thing is.. that pot still worked for several years after its mutilation. But without me touching it ever again ;-))

When one is trying to impress, sometimes, the worse can happen. Sure and yes, (like most – I am told that this is so), I have at times ruined dishes with over seasoning, burning, undercooking, using incorrect and opposing herbs and spices so that dishes are a gastronomic comedy / nightmare. Yet, I have on occasion even surprised myself with where I have ruined food. The surprise is that it is not the complicated dishes like a soufflé or Napoleons or Beef Wellington... but rather the likes of making biscuits, potato bake, fondue, lasagne and pancakes....

The potato bake and lasagne are dishes I have eventually mastered because of trying over and over again until I get it right. But with both these dishes I have at some point rendered them inedible and beyond saving... Yes, and these incidents were times when I attempted to entertaining guests too. The potato bake was served an hour after the main course as it was not ready by the time the rest of the food was ready and somehow I managed to burn the underside and the top to a chalky black cinder while most of the inside was still runny and some parts of it so gummy that I wondered if it was not warmed up wood glue that was sticking to my teeth!

My best friend saved the day by expertly collecting all the plates and announcing ice-cream time! The lasagne flops were dishes that were very cheesy but either as dry as a month old sponge that smelt funny (not like blue cheese, but similar) to a lasagne that was merely soupy with bits in it and tasted like washing up liquid. The most embarrassing was having the dish of lasagne I was carrying, fall from my grasp and splatter cheese side to the floor and the pyrex dish shatter and injuring one of my guests (who we had over to ‘get to know better’). Pizza delivery was thus the food of choice.

Fondue is a dangerous adversary! The oil caught fire (as in red/orange flames higher than the pot) and one of our friends had the presence of mind to quickly but carefully take the entire pot outside and dose it with sand. I’ve never entertained by fondue again.

Biscuits – well, I was a newlywed and determined to charm my beloved one... he adores lots of food but most especially biscuits and ice-cream (he had already mastered making ice-cream himself... so “homemade biscuits” was to be my surprise for him). I thought and was convinced that I had purchased all the correct ingredients. Yes, I was so convinced of success that I had told my Mom in law not to pack any biscuits for our family (convention) weekend away as I would be supplying an assortment of yummy biscuits and that it would be a surprise for my hubby.

Yes, it was a surprise to all of us – a nasty one. I had sneaked away to my Moms place to secretly bake! I can’t remember what I did and I can’t even blame my brother for playing pranks on me by adding to the individual mixtures... because I was totally alone in that home! Because it was a ‘surprise’ I had to find time to bake at the last minute. All the biscuits looked and smelt amazing! I did not have the presence of mind to TASTE any of these biscuits!!! So all the biscuits made their ‘secret’ way to the weekend destination and I was bursting with pride... Yeah, that table was turned very soon after arriving.

Somehow, I managed to ruin them. Not one of the batches of biscuits from choc chip to crunchies were edible (I made 12 batches of 4 different kinds and had spend a fortune on the ingredients....). I have no idea what I did, but even my new inlaws who tried to be tactful couldn’t stomach those starchy retched stone hard critters. Needless to say, I’ve never attempted biscuit baking again.

Speak about tactful – I’ve left the best ‘kitchen horror’ for last... making PANCAKES. Again, my husband (best friend ever!) and I were entertaining (only one other – FORTUNATELY!) and we decided on PANCAKES. I had the savoury mince frying up so that we could have savoury and sweet ones (sugar and cinnamon or with ice-cream) and now for the pancakes... ahem, something I had never attempted. But everyone says ‘pancakes’ are the easiest thing in the world! My Mom had given me her family recipe and had told me that it was delicious and flop proof – even for me. Besides, even earlier that chilly winter day my Mom was confident that pancakes (and me making them) was a good idea.... The near circular discs I served up were thick, hard and revolting (they were also quite salty!).

These bready concrete discs were impossible to fold never mind roll! Yet, our guest was SOO polite that he ATE his pancake – which neither my husband nor I could manage to cut with a butter knife – and our guest even said that it wasn’t that bad and that he’d have another!! (He only got part of half way through that one before calling it a day!). My hubby and I still laugh about PANCAKES! And generally I know I have made some record of making the worse ever pancakes. Only a couple of months ago, we paid R5 for a couple of pancakes to support some student initiative and the pancakes were so thick and bad that we offered ours to some ‘Bergie’ who didn’t even want them... BUT we laughed and together agreed that those yucky pancakes come close, but that mine still reign as the King of Awful Pancakes!"

What was your most horrible kitchen nightmare or disaster story? Please feel free to share to make my friend feel that she is not alone?